In pain

No one hurts me the way you do. </3

Goodbye Coldie?

I was devastated when I opened Anukayayun.blogspot.com and found no posts in it. I was frozen for awhile trying to absorb what's in front of my very eyes. I couldn't believe it. It felt like I just went through a very heavy work out because my energy drained in a snap. I then felt a pinch in my heart... Then tears started to fall. I can't help it. They streamed down my face like Niagara falls. 

If you've read my very first post in the blog you'd know why I reacted like that. I never knew who Coldman really is. He was anonymous to his readers but some of them got to meet him in person. Unfortunately, I was one of those unlucky ones who never got the chance to know the person behind 'Coldman'. I wish I was.

Coldman was my hero. He inspired me. He's like one of my very first mentors on how to make it in the real world. His blog posts would make me laugh, cry, drop my jaw from amazement, give me butterflies, and feed my mind. I learned a lot from him and his experiences. Though I never knew him personally, judging from his posts, I can tell that he's a very good person. No! Scratch 'good'. I would say that he's a very awesome person. Complete package eh. He has the sense of humor everyone is looking for in a guy, the brains, everything... :) If he wasn't gay and way older than me, I would probably go search for him and propose to marry me. Hehe. I tell you, he's one of the coolest ever! If I would be given a chance to read his blog again, I won't even hesitate to do so. His is really my favorite out of all my favorites.

Coldman, wherever you are right now I hope you're happy. And I hope you already found the one true love that you (if not looking for) deserve. I wish you all the best, Coldie! I hope one day we'll meet so I could tell you personally how thankful I am to you. And so I could see how gwapo you really are. ;) Problem is, I don't even know your name. 

You my not know it, but you left a huge impact in my life. Thank you for inspiring me. I will never forget you. 

I miss your posts already... :( Paramdam ka naman! 

I miss you

My senses are longing for your touch, your smell, your voice, your presence.

I miss you.

That electrifying feeling when you touch me.

Your smell that makes me wanna bury my face in your chest.

Your deep voice that echoes in my head.

Your presence that contents me.

I miss you.

Someone Punch Me!

I hate myself for being such a bitch. I wanna punch myself.

Parents came today to celebrate my birthday with me but because they made me wait for almost 2 hours I got pissed and when they finally arrived my bitchiness striked and I kept on ignoring them. I WAS SOOOOOOO BITCHY THAT I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. I even refused to appreciate them coming all the way from home just to be with me in my birthday, even if dad is sick. PUTANG INA! I REALLY HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW!

I didn't even say 'thank you' to them. 

I didn't even say goodbye when they left. 

I DESPISE MYSELF RIGHT NOW, I WANNA RIP OFF MY SKIN! 

I really have to be nicer next time. 

Don't worry mom and dad. I'll make it up to you...

I feel so sorry. I'm sure my conscience won't let me sleep tonight.

This is the shittiest birthday I had!

Not Confident At All

I don't get why people expect too much from me. They strongly believe in my capacity while I don't. People around me are pushing me to do this and that because according to them I am good. But why don't I find myself good enough to do such things? I seldom get satisfied with my performance, no matter how hard I try. That's why I lost confidence with myself. And, of course, I don't want to disappoint other people and myself. That's like one of my greatest fears. I'm so afraid I might fail. And I don't like people criticizing me.

...
...
...

Should I start believing in myself again?

What if I just end up disappointing myself and the people who believe in me?

I'm scared.

I'm so scared.

I'm nervous.

~Smo~

How Long Has It Been?

It's been quite a while.... I missed this little space of mine! :"> 

I miss posting about my thoughts and my feelings.

I also miss sharing some pictures I took. 

And I amiss one of the reasons why I made this blog. Hope he posts soon. Coldie!!!!!!!

~Smo~

Beach

Went to the beach last weekend and spent two nights there. Well, nothing really special and remarkable happened except for it was a total pig-out weekend. Haha. But I didn't really enjoy that getaway, I should've stayed home instead! :|


~Smo~